I realized, I must stick to writing. And keep pouring my heart out...
Realization dawned onto me as I was sitting, for all these months, with a magnifying glass in my hand, glaring and staring at all the moments in the past, present and anticipated future.
I had been over-thinking every act performed, every word spoken and linking all this to the event of every heart broken. I was growing to be a pessimist; nay... a gloomy, melancholy misanthrope.
Not that good things weren't happing to me; but the silver lining was always somehow replaced by the melancholy pessimistic string of events. And for good things, a third person would see me as the Queen of El-Doredo. Probably, I had just lost my head off my shoulders and small hiccups in life seemed life a magnanimity of torment.
Holding my magnifying glass in hand, I was looking at my new place of work (which by the way is already a year old) where all I could see were people with shallow thoughts and selfish acts. In this magnified view, I was obviously overlooking the pleasant moments and the bonds, though few, I had developed with the people there. Choosing to ignore this brighter side, I was stung repeatedly by the animosity of the people, the jealousy they have for me and my soaring career and the general apathy for life. I decided to leave. Needless to say, that the frogs in the pond were giving me a hard time for this as well. Bearing the golden stars of a 'good employee' I begged for my freedom. It was, however, nowhere on the horizon. My sincere efforts at work had repaid me in the sense that there were direct orders from 'above' that I were not to be released till the completion of the project, which was on a contractual basis otherwise. The letter also had some pretty things like " she has been diligent, sincere and hard-working, her presence being crucial for the success of the project". Yes, I was swept off my feet, too. But as I gathered myself, I realised that I am not made for slogging in these Government projects, however big they are! I am built for more!
My anguish was now filled to the brim and all I wanted to do at those moments was throw everything away.When i sat to write for my blog, the Google-type on my phone felt annoying. The hot summer which started with a gust after Holi looked like a curse. The rotting tomatoes in my kitchen, unwashed linen sloppily resting in the bucket, dusty shoes, sun-burnt skin, dehydrated body, wearied out self...all seemed like a parable to the sad story of the employment trap.
I yearned to read, paint and go home to my family. The magnifying glass showed me vivid images of the colourful moments when I am immersed in these activities. The love which spreads around like the scent of a flower, easy to recognise but difficult to describe. These two polar ends were pulling me in either directions- thus, mayhem. I was sure I would let go of one side too soon... But I resisted. And still am...
The magnification brought with itself abundance as well. My academics and my career goals slowly magnified and took me places, ehm, still are! The changes in life were welcome, but marred by the anxiety to get out of the constrictions of a job. The new offer of a new life beckons me and the magnified heap of problems now seems like a baggage tied to my foot, and a compulsion to drag along. But I think, the brighter side has to magnified more now... Let the barking dogs be; I shall say!
Oh, feels good to 'write out!'
Realization dawned onto me as I was sitting, for all these months, with a magnifying glass in my hand, glaring and staring at all the moments in the past, present and anticipated future.
I had been over-thinking every act performed, every word spoken and linking all this to the event of every heart broken. I was growing to be a pessimist; nay... a gloomy, melancholy misanthrope.
Not that good things weren't happing to me; but the silver lining was always somehow replaced by the melancholy pessimistic string of events. And for good things, a third person would see me as the Queen of El-Doredo. Probably, I had just lost my head off my shoulders and small hiccups in life seemed life a magnanimity of torment.
Holding my magnifying glass in hand, I was looking at my new place of work (which by the way is already a year old) where all I could see were people with shallow thoughts and selfish acts. In this magnified view, I was obviously overlooking the pleasant moments and the bonds, though few, I had developed with the people there. Choosing to ignore this brighter side, I was stung repeatedly by the animosity of the people, the jealousy they have for me and my soaring career and the general apathy for life. I decided to leave. Needless to say, that the frogs in the pond were giving me a hard time for this as well. Bearing the golden stars of a 'good employee' I begged for my freedom. It was, however, nowhere on the horizon. My sincere efforts at work had repaid me in the sense that there were direct orders from 'above' that I were not to be released till the completion of the project, which was on a contractual basis otherwise. The letter also had some pretty things like " she has been diligent, sincere and hard-working, her presence being crucial for the success of the project". Yes, I was swept off my feet, too. But as I gathered myself, I realised that I am not made for slogging in these Government projects, however big they are! I am built for more!
My anguish was now filled to the brim and all I wanted to do at those moments was throw everything away.When i sat to write for my blog, the Google-type on my phone felt annoying. The hot summer which started with a gust after Holi looked like a curse. The rotting tomatoes in my kitchen, unwashed linen sloppily resting in the bucket, dusty shoes, sun-burnt skin, dehydrated body, wearied out self...all seemed like a parable to the sad story of the employment trap.
I yearned to read, paint and go home to my family. The magnifying glass showed me vivid images of the colourful moments when I am immersed in these activities. The love which spreads around like the scent of a flower, easy to recognise but difficult to describe. These two polar ends were pulling me in either directions- thus, mayhem. I was sure I would let go of one side too soon... But I resisted. And still am...
The magnification brought with itself abundance as well. My academics and my career goals slowly magnified and took me places, ehm, still are! The changes in life were welcome, but marred by the anxiety to get out of the constrictions of a job. The new offer of a new life beckons me and the magnified heap of problems now seems like a baggage tied to my foot, and a compulsion to drag along. But I think, the brighter side has to magnified more now... Let the barking dogs be; I shall say!
Oh, feels good to 'write out!'
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