I clearly could not see where our conversation was going...
I was growing terrified with each phonecall i got from him. I would tell myself that i have to feel happy when his name flashed with his call on the mobile screen, but somehow i felt like ignoring the call altogether or would attend with clear detachment. I wanted my kaddy to call in times like these.
It was like a sunray piercing the grey mass of gloomy clouds. But kaddy was busy maintaining distance and did not call.
After a few futile attempts at truncating those now no-more-plesant calls, i decided to talk point blank.
As expected, he called. I assumed my role of patient listener first and then the one of voracious speaker. He was talking all the worldly things- bus rides in Europe and the English skyline... Cool beer and meeting with so many stalwarts of the field of his interest... Somehow i could not keep my focus on the things being discussed. The epitome of boredom set in when he started discussing lives of others. And it reached a rather unimagined level of ideocracy when he discussed his experiences of feeling sexually aroused in public places by mere remembrance of the person he loves or fancies... I started to feel disgusted.
I could not think of any appropriate response. Needless to say, that i wanted to cut the call as my only response.But i did not do it. I continued listening to what he was saying and unknowingly repeated my age old mistake- of being silent at wrong times.
I had an inkling by now that this is going to assume unwanted dimensions.
But I still hid my heart and remained silent.
I think that is where we women go wrong.
We inflict pain onto ourselves in the 'trade' of keeping people's hearts whole.
And we diminish...piece by piece...in submission and tolerance.
I was growing terrified with each phonecall i got from him. I would tell myself that i have to feel happy when his name flashed with his call on the mobile screen, but somehow i felt like ignoring the call altogether or would attend with clear detachment. I wanted my kaddy to call in times like these.
It was like a sunray piercing the grey mass of gloomy clouds. But kaddy was busy maintaining distance and did not call.
After a few futile attempts at truncating those now no-more-plesant calls, i decided to talk point blank.
As expected, he called. I assumed my role of patient listener first and then the one of voracious speaker. He was talking all the worldly things- bus rides in Europe and the English skyline... Cool beer and meeting with so many stalwarts of the field of his interest... Somehow i could not keep my focus on the things being discussed. The epitome of boredom set in when he started discussing lives of others. And it reached a rather unimagined level of ideocracy when he discussed his experiences of feeling sexually aroused in public places by mere remembrance of the person he loves or fancies... I started to feel disgusted.
I could not think of any appropriate response. Needless to say, that i wanted to cut the call as my only response.But i did not do it. I continued listening to what he was saying and unknowingly repeated my age old mistake- of being silent at wrong times.
I had an inkling by now that this is going to assume unwanted dimensions.
But I still hid my heart and remained silent.
I think that is where we women go wrong.
We inflict pain onto ourselves in the 'trade' of keeping people's hearts whole.
And we diminish...piece by piece...in submission and tolerance.
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| That is St. Augustine's burnt cathedral- I saw myself in that. (Too far fetched; but appealing to me) |
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