Emotions let stray...

I thought of giving  a happy thought, a happy greeting, a mirthful idea on the second day of the new year. Wanted to make it bright as the sun shining in my window... and joyous as I would feel when I paint. But I just couldn't.
I started sketching again today. Hoped to perk up my day with that. But could not extend the pleasure further into the whole day...


I was feeling annoyed and irritated without a reason. And people missing their appointments and making me wait for eternity added to that. I was still struggling to be my self. Cheerful.
But some unknown cause just made me sulk. 


The terrible feeling of my own feelings not being under my control gripped me.
And the knowledge that the drugs recently administered to me have 'mood swings' as a side effect; haunted me further.
I was constantly losing the sight of my balanced self and that made me even more upset. The fact that I did not choose to talk out my odd position to my friend was making me uncomfortable. Honestly however, I have decided not to trouble people around by trying to 'open up'. I am lucky to have friends full of ears; but I think now I should brace myself up and try to fight out a way. Everytime.


Reasoning with self was continued process. I was asking myself persistently whether I was trying to run away from something. I knew I was; from something...but didn't know what.


I learnt something today though. Now I know how terrible it feels when you see your own emotions not under your control. You sob, cry, sulk even though you can't tell why; you feel light and laugh away even inside you know you feel like crying... 
What you brag as being your 'own' just starts to be something out of you suddenly. What else can one lose after this very thing?


I think I need to try a bit hard.
And get them back. Even though it is the drug side effect!